RANTING/VENTING MEGATHREAD 3.0

Now... I'm going to give you some tough advice.
I know it's difficult seeing her and I know you'd rather do anything else than to talk to her or be around her. But it's been 4 years. I'm not saying you should be friends with her again. I'm not even saying you should talk to her again. I totally get why you wouldn't want to. However, you can't avoid her forever. Especially now that all of your friend groups are coming together. I personally think you should continue going out with your friends and participating even if she is there too. It's going to be hard the first couple of times but I'm sure it will get easier as time goes by. If she tries to get close to you again and you aren't ok with that then let her know. Tell her you're there to be with your friends but that you're not there for her. But like I said. It's been 4 years. Maybe it's time to let yourself heal and move on.

I  know it's been a long time. It's just that I think about her all the time. I think, "Holy shit, I'm in Korea!" and that's a good thing, but it always comes back to WHY I came here. I don't hate her, the hate is long gone. But just seeing her. She's gorgeous and she's really, really well-liked by anyone who meets her.

I emailed her this morning and just told her we needed to sort this out. I can't be a puppy in the rain looking into the bar, hahaha. I don't like letting things fester. Just bloody deal with it! 

We'll see. I was an asshole on Saturday because I wanted to make her feel like shit. It's petty, I know. When I sobered up, I realised that I am actually curious about how she's doing too.

1. I get SO ANGRY when I see cars blasting through red lights ON SCHOOL DAYS IN A SCHOOL ZONE WITH CHILDREN ALL AROUND WALKING TO SCHOOL. How much of a self-absorbed mindless asshole do you have to be to do that?? It's not some rare thing either, it happens maybe 3 or 4 mornings out of 5. I wish the police would do their jobs and pull these people over, but anytime I see a cop at an intersection he's standing OUTSIDE of his car just watching people disobey the law. What is the point? One time the cop had a camera and was videotaping people's dangerous driving. They don't have cameras on their traffic lights here? It's not India or anything, but do people here realize they drive like complete fools?

Oh my God.  This.  A thousand times this.  I've seen PARENTS dropping their kids off by a school...  by running a red light in a car while the other students are crossing the street.  "MY KID IS PROTECTED BY A HYUNDAI, YOURS ISN'T, MUWAHAHA!" Unbelievable.

Was absolutely fuming in the cafeteria today.

I'm of the belief that kids need to learn to stand up to bullies, it's a massive opportunity for personal growth... However, there are times when intervention is necessary.

- About 4m from the teacher's table was a small class (probably 8 students) of what looked like 3rd or 4th graders (elem). The teacher was sitting at the same table, just two chairs from the boys in question.
One of the boys was repeatedly slapping the other boy on the cheeks... hard slaps. I could hear them, 4m away and in a noisy ass cafeteria. The boy being slapped feigned laughter and kept trying to get food to his mouth but the slapping made it impossible. The other boy then began doing closed-fist prodding punches. I could see the HR teacher trying her best not to make eye contact and simply ignore what was happening. One of the lunch ladies walked past the table, stopped to watch the boy get punched for a few seconds then walked off without saying anything. I had to get up and stop the ordeal. While and after reprimanding the bully, the HR teacher intentionally avoided eye contact from the situation and myself, despite sitting two chairs away, in plain view.

- I taught some 5th graders last week and there's one boy who's excessively perky, energetic and admittedly on the slow side. I try my best to give him opportunities to answer easy questions to boost his confidence, no mean feat since he likes answering every question with whatever random thought comes to mind. The other students always end up laughing or insulting him raucously whenever he gets something wrong.
At the end of class, I went to the loo to find him cowering in the corner, next to the urinal, while 5 other boys kept splashing him with water.

Initially I directed my anger at the Korean teachers. I'm always hearing how they're constantly having meetings, watching videos and attending workshops on bullying and child abuse. Yet, they're so pathetically useless when it comes to noticing and dealing with it.
Most seem to think that if the victim is feigning a smile or laugh while 5 other students take turns slapping them, it's just a joke.
However, I'm sure that many teachers fear the backlash of the parents as their little brats are incapable of doing anything wrong, thanks to their shitty parenting.

I really detest blaming culture, but this has to be the exception. At this point in time, Korean culture
really is in a sorry as state.

I would really like it very much if my high school boys would stop sexually assaulting the high school girls every F** day.

Yeah, it's the bullying that really bothers me the most about the way the schools are run here, tbh. Even now when I point out bullying to some of the teachers here, they tell me that the students are just "playing." They're either unable or unwilling to recognize cases of bullying as they're happening. You can always tell by the body language of the target, even if they're laughing or smiling about it, and it's not likely just "play" if it's one kid against three or more and the intended target isn't really defending himself in any way.

I just put an end to it under the guise of not liking "horseplay" so that the intended target doesn't suffer ramifications from my interference later, but good god.

I find male bullying much easier to spot and to deal with. Girls are sneakier about it.

2. I know this guy who likes to hang around with my group of non-Korean people. He's alright, but every time he meets a new foreigner he has to ask them what they find uncomfortable or bad about Korea. I don't know why he does this, because without fail he reacts awkwardly and defensively to every benign comment someone makes. No decent person is going to list the things they actually don't like about that culture to someone from that culture. No one is gonna be like "well, I think it's gross that y'all don't wash your hands after you shit and you eat like cows sometimes" but eventually people say things like "I'm not a fan of the food" or "it's uncomfortable in busy places when people don't say excuse me" and he always argues it! I mean, why ASK if you don't want to know the answer? What is this weird obsession with trying to figure out what people don't like about you? And does he really think anyone is going to give him their real opinion? It's slightly masochistic. Maybe I should link him to this thread 

This, right here. They either always ask about what we don't like about Korean culture, or they're always digging for praise about Korean culture. The ones who ask, either way, can never accept another person's opinion if it's not all wonder and delight.

Connecting with what I commented on before, I remember this one guy kept digging and digging and digging for praises in a really roundabout way. He's always asking for feedback about how we "really" feel about Korea and the culture and whatever, but he's only ever fishing for compliments. He does this EVERYTIME there's a meet between him and foreigners, no matter how many times we've met and been asked the same goddamn questions each time. One night I wasn't having it, and I actually told him that I really hate the bullying culture here, and found the "wang-ta" phenomenon especially disturbing (I actually had a wang-ta at the school I was then assigned to at the time, so it was especially real to me then). He got super defensive and went on to claim that Korean 정 isn't matched anywhere else in the world, and wouldn't address the bullying problem at all. I kind of needled him some more by asking him why it was that the suicide rate in Korea was so damn high when compared to the rest of the world, if what he was said was so true, and that got him sputtering mad.

Yeah, I shouldn't have done it. But he hasn't spoken to me since, and I couldn't be happier.

I do enjoy Korea and all, but no culture is perfect, and each one has its major faults to deal with. You can't expect people to just fall in line with your blind patriotism, especially when they're not from there. C'mon.

However, I'm sure that many teachers fear the backlash of the parents..

Hit the nail on the head. Korean law does not take kindly to any kind of intervention when it comes to violence. You see two kids beating the snot out of each other? Pass the buck. Do not try and break it up unless you want to end up out a couple million won blood money to some parent who thinks you're responsible.

I know it's difficult seeing her and I know you'd rather do anything else than to talk to her or be around her. But it's been 4 years. I'm not saying you should be friends with her again. I'm not even saying you should talk to her again. I totally get why you wouldn't want to. However, you can't avoid her forever. Especially now that all of your friend groups are coming together. I personally think you should continue going out with your friends and participating even if she is there too. It's going to be hard the first couple of times but I'm sure it will get easier as time goes by. If she tries to get close to you again and you aren't ok with that then let her know. Tell her you're there to be with your friends but that you're not there for her. But like I said. It's been 4 years. Maybe it's time to let yourself heal and move on.

why should he be friends with her? she sounds like a complete bitch. gave him an ultimatum about getting a job quickly in korea after he almost died from massive brain trauma.

then dumped him unceremoniously at the airport after he packed up his entire life and came here. for her.

wouldn't be surprised if she was banging someone on the side while she was waiting for him to get here. probably explains the dumping actually.

now she's banging one of his friends.

yeah no. **** that. i wouldn't be friends with someone like that.

why should he be friends with her? she sounds like a complete bitch. gave him an ultimatum about getting a job quickly in korea after he almost died from massive brain trauma.

then dumped him unceremoniously at the airport after he packed up his entire life and came here. for her.

wouldn't be surprised if she was banging someone on the side while she was waiting for him to get here. probably explains the dumping actually.

now she's banging one of his friends.

yeah no. **** that. i wouldn't be friends with someone like that.

A) To be fair, I could have come sooner. The brain surgery wasn't actually as bad as the broken collarbone I got. This isn't to defend her per se, but I do bear some of the responsibility for not coming sooner. Doesn't make breaking the ultimatum okay though.

B) Nope. Not my friend. She's got a BF who's teaching in Japan at the moment. How do I know this? Well, I'm fairly bright, even after brain surgery. 

Just be chill. There's literally no reason you can't be civil to her. You seem like kind of an emotional guy, which is cool, but always good to be able to keep your feelings under control for practical purposes.

Yeah she kind of boned you with the whole breaking up with you after you moved here, but that was like, four years ago? And you were both (I'm assuming) in your early 20s when that happens, which is when lots of people do lots of unfortunate things, despite being at heart generally decent humans.

So like, I empathize with the fact that you still have feelings complicated feelings towards her, but I mean, you're both older and smarter and ideally slightly new and improved versions of yourselves compared to when you were dating, so just get on with it and don't make such a big deal about it. You don't have to be friends if you don't want to or anything, but like, it shouldn't make social gatherings awkward.

A) 28. haha, not to nitpick.

B) Just throws me off that she always asks anyone and everyone about me. How is he? What's he doing? I don't understand why she cares so much. She left me, right? I mean, I'm curious too, but I don't hound Sam R about how she is or what she's doing, nor his other friends who are now my friends.

B) Just throws me off that she always asks anyone and everyone about me. How is he? What's he doing? I don't understand why she cares so much. She left me, right? I mean, I'm curious too, but I don't hound Sam R about how she is or what she's doing, nor his other friends who are now my friends.

A lot of people handle things differently when it comes to people of their past.

Could be she's working through some guilt, too. Might explain some of that interest. Even though she's the one who dumped you, it doesn't mean she doesn't still see you as a person. I guess she may not feel as awkward about the way things were left since so much time has passed, too, so doesn't make any bones about querying about a person's current state. Some people are like that.

Oh man, if my most recent ex (March) knew that I was hanging out with JHK, she'd track us both down and murder us, hahaha. That's HER style.

To add to the ongoing saga: next night out, just get drunk together and hit up a motel. If something materializes, well great, though the waters seem muddy with all the emotional baggage. If nothing happens, chalk it up as 4 years past break-up sex.

I know it's difficult seeing her and I know you'd rather do anything else than to talk to her or be around her. But it's been 4 years. I'm not saying you should be friends with her again. I'm not even saying you should talk to her again. I totally get why you wouldn't want to. However, you can't avoid her forever. Especially now that all of your friend groups are coming together. I personally think you should continue going out with your friends and participating even if she is there too. It's going to be hard the first couple of times but I'm sure it will get easier as time goes by. If she tries to get close to you again and you aren't ok with that then let her know. Tell her you're there to be with your friends but that you're not there for her. But like I said. It's been 4 years. Maybe it's time to let yourself heal and move on.

why should he be friends with her? she sounds like a complete bitch. gave him an ultimatum about getting a job quickly in korea after he almost died from massive brain trauma.

then dumped him unceremoniously at the airport after he packed up his entire life and came here. for her.

wouldn't be surprised if she was banging someone on the side while she was waiting for him to get here. probably explains the dumping actually.

now she's banging one of his friends.

yeah no. **** that. i wouldn't be friends with someone like that.

She's not suggesting he be friends with the ex, just to be civil and not let the ex's presence prevent him from enjoying his own friend group. 

B) Just throws me off that she always asks anyone and everyone about me. How is he? What's he doing? I don't understand why she cares so much. She left me, right? I mean, I'm curious too, but I don't hound Sam R about how she is or what she's doing, nor his other friends who are now my friends.

She might be legitimately curious, she might also just be nosy. 

To add to the ongoing saga: next night out, just get drunk together and hit up a motel. If something materializes, well great, though the waters seem muddy with all the emotional baggage. If nothing happens, chalk it up as 4 years past break-up sex.

I don't know whether to laugh or tell you to go to hell. hahahaha

Oh man, if my most recent ex (March) knew that I was hanging out with JHK, she'd track us both down and murder us, hahaha. That's HER style.

Dang, dude. I don't know how you have energy for that sort of biz.

Ain't nobody got time for drama like that.

He's doing it Kdrama style. That's how it's done here.

All he's missing now is the overbearing, batshit-crazy mother.

Dang, dude. I don't know how you have energy for that sort of biz.

Ain't nobody got time for drama like that.

Ain't no drama. Recent ex thinks I cheated on her when we were dating (which I can assure you, I did not) so she wants absolutely nothing to do with me and she's basically disappeared from my friend's group back into her Korean friend's group. A couple of my mates text her once in a while to see how she's doing, but she's fading pretty damn quickly from my life........................................

Until 2021, when it all comes back round again!!! hahahahahahahaha

I'm siding more with Kobayashi on this one.  She seems to be playing the field, so why is she doing online dating and chatting with your friends if she has another boyfriend.  She's playing the field, and doesn't really seem to be that bothered about the consequences or anyone's feelings, especially yours. 

Y'all are going to think I'm delusional, but I do know more about this situation than y'all, even if I can recognise my own biases.

Regarding the tinder thing, Donald (shit, I put his real name in there and had to fix it to Donald again hahaha) had mentioned that she was being flaky as shit and I learned later she was only on for 5 days. She had her gay friend texting the guys for a laugh. This isn't to take away from the fact that seeing her surprised me quite a bit.

Regarding her talking to my friends, her boyfriend in Japan is these guys best mate. (Sam R's group that I've been gravitating towards)  She's not going around behind his back with all these men, they're all supertight friends for the last couple of years), he's in Japan, that's it. If anything, they'll be judging her if she starts getting messy with some guys at the bar.

I have no idea if she's playing the field, I don't. But the assumptions made by you (I'm not angry haha but they are assumptions) don't hold a lot of weight.

I think it's far from necessary to be friends with her, nor would I even say you have to be friendly to her (distantly polite is good), but I do think that some exposure to her presence might help in the long run on the path to healing.  Get desensitized, in a way.

Rather than being surprised and jarred and flooded with emotions when she randomly pops up in person, which seems to be quite a likely thing given the overlapping friend circles. 

I think it's far from necessary to be friends with her, nor would I even say you have to be friendly to her (distantly polite is good), but I do think that some exposure to her presence might help in the long run on the path to healing.  Get desensitized, in a way.

Rather than being surprised and jarred and flooded with emotions when she randomly pops up in person, which seems to be quite a likely thing given the overlapping friend circles.

Yeah, I emailed her this morning and said I wasn't the nicest person for being a cold, distant guy on Saturday, it's just I'd made the effort not to see her and it failed. I just told her we need to sort this out. God only knows what that means, but we'll figure it out or we won't.

Onward and upward, waygook.org user yirj17

Thanks to everyone for their input, even Kobayashi, lord knows I've felt like that on numerous occasions.

The bullying here makes me so angry. I do my  best to shut it down whenever I see it, and it's so frustrating how many teachers let it slide. We were doing a project in 5th grade, and we let the students pick their groups, and one boy was left over. He's very slow, but he's nice & tries hard. He gets picked on quite a bit, and during sports day the whole class blamed him for making them lose jump rope, even though it wasn't his fault.

My coteacher initially wanted to bribe a group into taking him, but I told her we shouldn't reward them for being decent human beings. The kids ended up doing RPS to see who got him, and the kids who didn't have to have him in their group scream-cheered. (Another rant: Why can't these kids breathe without screaming?) I got really angry at them for celebrating, and told them that they were bullies. I rarely get visibly angry in class, so they were pretty shocked. My coteacher was angry too, and translated what I said then got after them herself. One girl cried and another girl apologized later in class. The kids aren't going to get to choose their own groups anymore.

Another rant: Today we had a fire drill. It wasn't planned, so the kids and teachers didn't know about it. I'm not sure if it was just an accident or what, but anyway it went off at the end of  a 5th grade class. Some of the kids started running around the class like a chicken with its head cut off until my co ordered them back into their seats. She tried to call around to see if it was a real drill or not, but no one was picking up.

So we have the students get up and leave the room, and when we walked into the hallway the big heavy metal doors had automatically closed. We're the only classroom on that side of the school, and the door going to the stairwell and to the other side of the school had shut. The kids started freaking out thinking that we were trapped, but all they needed was a good shove. They calmed down and we lined up outside where everything ends up being fine. Moral of the rant is they need more unplanned drills so the kids don't lose it when they hear the alarm.