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Author Topic: How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher  (Read 3794 times)

Offline capebretonbarbarian

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How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher
« on: May 07, 2008, 09:34:10 PM »

Foreign Teacher Operating Instructions
form http://kitty.zaccari.us/site/pages/korea.php

She also a great list of Korean foods and their nutritional values for those fitness/ diet conscience people. 

These are my fantasy instructions for dealing with native English teachers like myself.  Tact is very important in Korea, so while I tried to bring these things up gently when necessary, I couldn't hand out a booklet of operating instructions.  It was so tempting though, that I'm posting them here for your enjoyment instead.  This is meant to be funny, and not an indictment of Korean teachers: most of the teachers I worked with were very accommodating.  For the few that need all of this advice, though:

Congratulations!  You are now the lucky handler of a genuine Native English Teacher, specially imported from one of the Six Major English Speaking Nations.  Please follow these instructions carefully in order to assure optimum performance.

   1. Remember that your foreign teacher is a human being, and not actually an English practice robot.  Generally, when you speak to her, she will assume that you are attempting to have a conversation, and as such, upon being asked for the fifteenth time whether she knows what kimchi is, will assume that you think she is stupid, and possibly give you a public telling-off.  If you feel you need practice with the phrase "Have you tried kimchi?," please attend her free conversation class.
   2. Similarly, please respect your native teacher's need for rest periods between classes.  Though you may wish to spend your ten-minute break learning English, she probably wants a cup of coffee.  Improper recharging of the product's caffeine cells will lead to substandard performance.  Again, should you desire English instruction, please attend the conversation class as above.
   3. Your foreign teacher likely speaks a strange dialect of English such as American or British, which is somewhat different from the standard Bizzaro Korean Practice English.  Please do not attempt to correct your teacher's English; these models cannot be serviced by consumers and this may void your warranty.  Additionally, repeatedly requesting and discarding proofreading advice will deplete your unit's job satisfaction quotient and lead to decreased performance.
   4. Be aware that the natural programming of your native teacher is fundamentally incompatible with the Born and Raised in Korea framework.  Your unit should be equipped with a Cultural Sensitivity extension which will replace some, but not all of this functionality.  Failure to act exactly like a native Korean in all situations should not be regarded as a defect.
   5. Native English Teachers are a natural product, and as such, each unit is subject to variations.  Thus, even though the other foreigner you know hates fish, it's not safe to assume that every white person ever is a staunch antipescatarian.
   6. Be aware the foreign teachers have a tendency to develop a social life outside of school.  This is an inherent quality of the product and is not modifiable.  Thus, your teacher is likely to decline invitations to staff dinners given five minutes before the actual event.  She's not trying to dis you; she's busy.
   7. Also be aware that Native English Teachers generally expect factual input over pleasant input.  If you do not know when she will be paid for extra classes, for example, say so.  Do not be tempted to input data estimated from out of your ass.  Serious errors will occur if your product can not depend on the factual accuracy of your input.
   8. Units not equipped with a Public Performances module do not want to sing karaoke on the bus.  Leave them alone.

Proper handling will help ensure top performance from your Native English Teacher.  Please keep these instructions in a safe place and refer to them as necessary.

AlexMokpo

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Re: How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2008, 10:37:02 AM »
HAHAHAA   Brilliant.
I also love that, even though you - the author - is male, you repeatedly refer to all products as female :P  random observation.

#1 was by FAR the best.  What the hell is up with them asking over and over the same old questions about Kimchi?


Offline Virginia

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Re: How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2008, 01:09:05 PM »
Ha - awesome... reminds me of a booklet my friend Jen and I wanted to design - The Care and Feeding of your New Native Speaker... like when you bring a new puppy home from the SPCA or whatever.

- Be sure your Native Speaker is provided with fresh water, ample bedding and an internet connection....
- Approach your Native Speaker slowly, and speak in a calming voice. Let them approach you first...
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ESLDaily

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Re: How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2008, 01:25:29 PM »
Unlike Korean models, Soju may not be the preferred lubricant.

Product may be harmful if touched improperly.  Holding of hands or grabbing of unsuitable areas may cause blackening of the eye and reddening of the nose.  If these symptoms occur, avoid contact with native English teacher and seek HELP immediately.

Manufacture warning: Malfunction and complete loss of control may occur when mixing of students and “Dung-chim” occurs.

Jim
http://esldaily.org

Offline social benthos

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Re: How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2008, 10:17:49 AM »
Many models now come equipped with the new chopstick compatability feature.  This means that your new unit will be fully functional with the use of chopsticks.  Exclamations of surprise at you unit's ability to use these utensils in the presence of said unit may cause irritation, feelings of condensention, and pubic displays of annoyance. 

Offline Brian

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Re: How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2008, 11:38:11 AM »
I like this thread.  I tried to come up with a good addition but I couldn't think of one. 

Sort of off-topic, but there's an interesting thread on Dave's here, in which a professor working with Korean soon-to-be English teachers asks if there's any tips he'd like to pass along to them.  It's always nice to know that others run into, um, difficulties as well.  Well, not nice, but you know what I mean.  A lot of interesting stuff on there, and I especially like this one:
Quote
Theres a lot of good points above & I commend the OP for endeavoring to share this thread with his students (secondary school teachers I presume). I've done similar work with many groups of K-teachers (& native english teachers too) promoting cross-cultural cooperation.

Heres something I tried this summer with a group of 40 newish Korean english teachers & it was productive in a way that simply lecturing them wouldnt have been. I put them in groups of 4 & tasked each group with dealing with a given problem. They really got into it. You could probably come up with different situations but these are the 10 I used:

Scenarios: How would you handle this?

1. Your NET partner is energetic, sincere, and popular with the students. You’re hesitant to interrupt in class and feel you have no meaningful role in the lesson. You feel bored.

2. Your vice-principal wants the NET to commit to teaching an after-school conversation class. The NET wants information from you about student numbers, student level, scheduling, and compensation before agreeing, but you won’t know until the day it starts. The after-school program coordinator is pressuring you for an answer.

3. The NET strongly insists to the students in class that the common name for the East Sea is the Sea of Japan.

4. Your new NET partner has befriended some older male teachers in your school who take him out for heavy drinking on weeknights. He assumes it’s all right because “When in Rome …” Your students notice the next day and complain to you.

5. The NET overhears a long conversation in Korean in the teachers’ office during which his name is spoken numerous times. No one offers any explanation about what is being discussed. Afterwards, the NET seems upset.

6. The NET has phoned in absent several times in her first semester due to colds and other minor ailments. She declines to see a doctor.

7. The school has a dinner meeting which everyone attends. After the meal, but still at the restaurant, one of the male teachers moves next to the female NET and offers her a drink. They drink and talk a bit. The teacher touches the NET on the leg repeatedly, even after she makes it clear that it is not appropriate or welcomed. The NET leaves the restaurant to avoid the teacher.

8. Your native teaching partner insists on a quiet orderly classroom at all times and expects you to maintain discipline. Your usual style and your students’ expectations are generally somewhat more relaxed.

9. Your teaching partner has asked you to refrain from translating his speaking and giving answers to the students. But many of your students are complaining to you that they can’t follow his lessons.

10. The NET comes to school at 8:30 as usual and finds the school locked and empty. It’s your school foundation day. Nobody informed him.

It put the K-teachers in the driver's seat & I think they might have gained a bit of new empathy. A lot of good stuff came out.
In Korea from 2005 - 2010, not in Korea now.  Please contact an active moderator for quick answers to your questions.

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Offline Virginia

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Re: How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher
« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2008, 02:12:39 PM »
I really like this post and find it interesting... helps to think of things from the other side.

They are all issues that we've all been faced with - some of them seem, to me anyway, to be cut-and-dried~ like tell the poor English teacher that the school is closed!!

It would be interesting to hear what the teachers' answers were!
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Offline zachmokpo

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Re: How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher
« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2008, 07:28:22 AM »
I REALLY wish I had a teachers camp at my school to hear what some of them would say. Those are a great set of questions and  I'm also interested in hearing what some of the replies are.

Offline rilakkuma

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Re: How to Handle your new New Native EnglishTeacher
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2011, 09:20:54 AM »
This is so funny! Simply a brilliant piece! :D