October 18, 2018, 07:09:49 AM


Author Topic: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago  (Read 1061 times)

Online Cyanea

  • Expert Waygook
  • ****
  • Posts: 748
  • Gender: Male
Has anyone noticed that reconnecting with old friends from a long time ago (usually via facebook) can be great, but also tends to be quite tricky?

Mostly because the friend imagines that you are exactly the same as you were back then, and relates to you in the same way. This can be good or bad. Maybe good if they thought a lot of you. Bad if they still expect you to be their sidekick or think you will still put up with their attitude. Or if they imagine you to be still as much of a jerk as you were back in the day.

I have several friends like this who I was close to a long time ago. Were it not for fb I no doubt never would’ve heard from them again. I tend to keep them at arms length a bit however because unless we’re going to meet up and spend time again, they likely aren’t going to really understand who I am now and why.
Catch my drift?

Offline oglop

  • Hero of Waygookistan
  • *****
  • Posts: 1476
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2018, 08:44:47 AM »
It's just called "growing apart", isn't it?

Offline plan b

  • Veteran
  • **
  • Posts: 192
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2018, 12:18:20 PM »
Living and working abroad changes a person, especially if the person goes away for many years. New perspectives on life make it difficult to reconnect with old friends after one has finished catching up and reminiscing about the past. What connected us may no longer be there.

Offline Periwinkle

  • Veteran
  • **
  • Posts: 147
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #3 on: August 10, 2018, 12:59:13 PM »
Living and working abroad changes a person, especially if the person goes away for many years. New perspectives on life make it difficult to reconnect with old friends after one has finished catching up and reminiscing about the past. What connected us may no longer be there.

+1

Online Piggydee

  • The Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 2253
  • Gender: Female
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #4 on: August 10, 2018, 12:59:42 PM »
Especially if they have kids then they have "real lives and real responsibilities now."   Like why is that a thing for people who elect to have kids to say to people who don't have kids :rolleyes:  Oh I guess since we lead fake lives we should go walk off a cliff or something.  Other than the occasional check in and liking photos on facebook, I really don't go out of my way to talk to distant friends.  Some of them are still the same person as they were, other have grown rather conservative now that they are a mom  :rolleyes:.   I hope I never get bit by the "change who you are and everything you believe in" bug once I become a mom. 

Offline ESLTurtle

  • Veteran
  • **
  • Posts: 206
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #5 on: August 10, 2018, 02:00:55 PM »
I still keep in touch with them. They are very successful and are making multiple businesses. They have morals, and are enjoying life to the fullest. I value these aspects, and surround myself with people like this.

If I surround myself with people like you in Korea, God knows where I'll end up..  :wink:

Offline SPQR

  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 66
  • Gender: Female
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #6 on: August 10, 2018, 02:08:08 PM »
Biggest difference is my friends now live in big houses with yards, boats and clean air.  Whereas, I live in a concrete box with filth to breathe. Funny thing is I make more money than them.  However money seems to mean little in Korea, the standard of living is still very low.

Online Life Improvement

  • The Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 2866
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2018, 09:40:20 PM »
Are you sure you're making more money than them? Including money paid into retirement accounts their remuneration might be a lot higher than (y)ours.

Offline Kolao

  • Veteran
  • **
  • Posts: 203
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2018, 10:15:08 PM »
I don't care about the past or those who were in it. I have probably had perhaps 5 friends in 5 decades of living. I remember the adventures we had but that's it. I have always been a nomad so never got too close to very many people, that includes my own family. Of course, it's also been my experience that most folks say friend in much the same way I would say buddy or chum.

I've always wondered about people who claim dozens of friends, or more. As for those who have 100's or 1000's of Facebook friends????

As for Twitter and manure like that - NO! I don't follow anybody and I don't respect anyone who would follow me cuz I don't dig sheeple, man.
When the wicked are confounded, and consigned to flames of woe, call me.

Offline KimDuHan

  • Hero of Waygookistan
  • *****
  • Posts: 1214
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2018, 01:02:51 AM »
If you stay in Korea long enough your friends will forget you and move on. Especially university friends that get real jobs and start families. Make new friends in Korea and if you do go back home sometime you might have to make new friends too.

The old glory days are gone for you. The days of chilling with your old friends are gone. You have changed and so have they remember the good memories but move on.

Online Chinguetti

  • The Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 2351
  • Gender: Female
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2018, 09:15:37 AM »
I don't personally try to reconnect with old friends at all. While there's always going to be something familiar about them, they're going to be completely different people with completely different lives and priorities, same as myself. To have a friend that stays a friend throughout the years, despite those changes and differences, is a very, very rare thing, and even then it normally only happens if you're both around or keep in touch well enough to acclimate to those changes and differences AS they're happening.

Life moves in cycles. This includes friendships. That's one of the reasons why so many people feel it's important to find a significant other, someone who'll stick with you during those cycles and who'll give you a reason to settle down somewhere to become part of a more permanent community with longer lasting relationships.

As an expat or a nomad, this is much harder to accomplish in pretty much every way.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2018, 09:36:01 AM by Chinguetti »

Offline oglop

  • Hero of Waygookistan
  • *****
  • Posts: 1476
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2018, 09:17:48 AM »
If you stay in Korea long enough your friends will forget you and move on. Especially university friends that get real jobs and start families. Make new friends in Korea and if you do go back home sometime you might have to make new friends too.

The old glory days are gone for you. The days of chilling with your old friends are gone. You have changed and so have they remember the good memories but move on.
i would say the opposite. friends i met at university are my closest friends, and always will be my friends.

Online Cyanea

  • Expert Waygook
  • ****
  • Posts: 748
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2018, 10:18:29 AM »
Life moves in cycles. This includes friendships. That's one of the reasons why so many people feel it's important to find a significant other, someone who'll stick with you during those cycles and who'll give you a reason to settle down somewhere to become part of a more permanent community with longer lasting relationships.

As an expat or a nomad, this is much harder to accomplish in pretty much every way.

+1

As an expat or nomad however you will grow so much more as a person I think than those who simply stayed at home and whose lives revolve around the office and paying the mortgage. You will have to make more effort to make new friends and relationships constantly though.
Catch my drift?

Offline KimDuHan

  • Hero of Waygookistan
  • *****
  • Posts: 1214
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2018, 11:35:47 PM »
If you stay in Korea long enough your friends will forget you and move on. Especially university friends that get real jobs and start families. Make new friends in Korea and if you do go back home sometime you might have to make new friends too.

The old glory days are gone for you. The days of chilling with your old friends are gone. You have changed and so have they remember the good memories but move on.
i would say the opposite. friends i met at university are my closest friends, and always will be my friends.

Good for you, most people here don't really have that situation. Usually university friends are the first to go as they hunt for jobs and settle down in new places.

Highschool Friends who still live in the Highschool mindset are easier to relate to as they bring up memories from 10+ years ago but even they grow apart too.

Offline SteveBruce

  • Veteran
  • **
  • Posts: 104
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #14 on: August 13, 2018, 03:48:01 AM »
Life moves in cycles. This includes friendships. That's one of the reasons why so many people feel it's important to find a significant other, someone who'll stick with you during those cycles and who'll give you a reason to settle down somewhere to become part of a more permanent community with longer lasting relationships.

As an expat or a nomad, this is much harder to accomplish in pretty much every way.

+1

As an expat or nomad however you will grow so much more as a person I think than those who simply stayed at home and whose lives revolve around the office and paying the mortgage. You will have to make more effort to make new friends and relationships constantly though.

I'm gonna sound very DeMartino here but screw it... This is always touted by expats in what is seemingly innocuous, but in reality it's incredibly egotistical and patronising. Everyone is on a journey in life, you can't say someone has hit a higher level of "growth" (whatever the hell that means) to your arbitrary standard just because someone has fucked off to Korea to play bomb games with kids.

I've recently returned home from Korea. I'm still the same person despite the experiences I had and I don't think I have "grown" anymore than my friends here. Everyone is on a mission in life to achieve their goals, to say you've grown more than someone else because you went abroad for a few years is self centred and ignores the struggles of other people.

Offline oglop

  • Hero of Waygookistan
  • *****
  • Posts: 1476
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #15 on: August 13, 2018, 06:29:56 AM »
If you stay in Korea long enough your friends will forget you and move on. Especially university friends that get real jobs and start families. Make new friends in Korea and if you do go back home sometime you might have to make new friends too.

The old glory days are gone for you. The days of chilling with your old friends are gone. You have changed and so have they remember the good memories but move on.
i would say the opposite. friends i met at university are my closest friends, and always will be my friends.

Good for you, most people here don't really have that situation. Usually university friends are the first to go as they hunt for jobs and settle down in new places.

Highschool Friends who still live in the Highschool mindset are easier to relate to as they bring up memories from 10+ years ago but even they grow apart too.
wonder if it's a cultural thing, then. maybe university is a bit different in that respect between usa/whatever you are from and england. in the uk, people often say "your university friends will be your friends for life"

Online eggieguffer

  • The Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 4230
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #16 on: August 13, 2018, 06:44:56 AM »
Life moves in cycles. This includes friendships. That's one of the reasons why so many people feel it's important to find a significant other, someone who'll stick with you during those cycles and who'll give you a reason to settle down somewhere to become part of a more permanent community with longer lasting relationships.

As an expat or a nomad, this is much harder to accomplish in pretty much every way.

+1

As an expat or nomad however you will grow so much more as a person I think than those who simply stayed at home and whose lives revolve around the office and paying the mortgage. You will have to make more effort to make new friends and relationships constantly though.

I'm gonna sound very DeMartino here but screw it... This is always touted by expats in what is seemingly innocuous, but in reality it's incredibly egotistical and patronising. Everyone is on a journey in life, you can't say someone has hit a higher level of "growth" (whatever the hell that means) to your arbitrary standard just because someone has fucked off to Korea to play bomb games with kids.

I've recently returned home from Korea. I'm still the same person despite the experiences I had and I don't think I have "grown" anymore than my friends here. Everyone is on a mission in life to achieve their goals, to say you've grown more than someone else because you went abroad for a few years is self centred and ignores the struggles of other people.

Maybe he's talking about growing through experiencing things most people back home don't have to. E.g. being a visible minority, having to deal with massive cultual differences at work, often singlehandedly and not being able to rely on family and friends in the neighbourhood for support. 

Offline kyndo

  • Moderator LVL 1
  • The Legend
  • *
  • Posts: 4515
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #17 on: August 13, 2018, 08:04:20 AM »
I'm gonna sound very DeMartino here but screw it... This is always touted by expats in what is seemingly innocuous, but in reality it's incredibly egotistical and patronising. Everyone is on a journey in life, you can't say someone has hit a higher level of "growth" (whatever the hell that means) to your arbitrary standard just because someone has fucked off to Korea to play bomb games with kids.

I've recently returned home from Korea. I'm still the same person despite the experiences I had and I don't think I have "grown" anymore than my friends here. Everyone is on a mission in life to achieve their goals, to say you've grown more than someone else because you went abroad for a few years is self centred and ignores the struggles of other people.
Maybe he's talking about growing through experiencing things most people back home don't have to. E.g. being a visible minority, having to deal with massive cultual differences at work, often singlehandedly and not being able to rely on family and friends in the neighbourhood for support.
I'm going to agree with eggieguffer.
   People who spend the entirity of their lives in the same neighbourhood are much likelier to have far narrower horizons. Travelling allows one to experience other ways of live, and makes you more sympathetic to foreign cultures, values, and ways of doing things.
   People who have never travelled abroad run the risk of living their lives in a social echo chamber: how can you develop your own values if all you've ever experienced is what your small community has to offer?

   This probably applies more to people who grew up in rural areas, but I think it still holds true to a smaller degree for city folk.

Offline CO2

  • The Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 3773
  • Gender: Male
  • Dharma Initiative
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #18 on: August 13, 2018, 12:15:22 PM »
   People who spend the entirity of their lives in the same neighbourhood are much likelier to have far narrower horizons. Travelling allows one to experience other ways of live, and makes you more sympathetic to foreign cultures, values, and ways of doing things.
   People who have never travelled abroad run the risk of living their lives in a social echo chamber: how can you develop your own values if all you've ever experienced is what your small community has to offer?

   This probably applies more to people who grew up in rural areas, but I think it still holds true to a smaller degree for city folk.

Yeah, people say stuff like this and some people get offended.

It's not that we think we're better, or that they're slow or stupid, but it is what it is.

A blue collar guy who never leaves a town of 40 000 people his entire life can't have the worldview that we have. Hell, I've been here 5 years and I've been to a handful of countries for a week or two but I know many people who literally never stop going, 4 months here, 2 months there, a year all over China. They have it even broader.

It's not about being better, it's about scope of experience. There are all sorts of things that blue collar guy can do that I can't. Maybe he can build a tree house for his kids, I can't do that shit. I can't even build a table, FFS. hahaha
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky
With one hand waving free

Online Cyanea

  • Expert Waygook
  • ****
  • Posts: 748
  • Gender: Male
Re: The difficulties of reconnecting with friends from many years ago
« Reply #19 on: August 13, 2018, 02:39:55 PM »
It's not about being better, it's about scope of experience. There are all sorts of things that blue collar guy can do that I can't. Maybe he can build a tree house for his kids, I can't do that shit. I can't even build a table, FFS. hahaha

It comes down to how you rate yourself, where you derive self-worth.

I find that shallow people think their importance lies in conventional measures of worth, e.g. the car you drive, the position you hold at work, the number of material possessions you own.
Note that in order to amass these status symbols, you have to stay in the same place for a long time, narrowing your mind even further.

By contrast I really value hardship, adversity, adventure and experience in a person. So in my estimation a struggling or disabled grandmother selling veggies on the street sits higher atop the totem pole than some business exec whose parents paid his way through college. Someone who has worked as a street cleaner in ten different countries is way more interesting and has greater esteem in my eyes than  the manager of a company who has been in in the same place all their lives.
Catch my drift?